Writing

I've decided I need to write more, and I feel too fake on Facebook. It's a scary place sometimes. 

A blog is kind of like a front porch. Other people can hear the conversation, but only if they're walking by. I'll use this, instead of the Facebook megaphone. 

Today was a day in which I hung on by my fingernails to positivity. Some days are like that. A lot of days, recently. It was a constant battle, and I'm not sure who won. 

I've been told by a few trusted sources (Brené Brown, Dieter Uchtdorf, and my friend Steffen) that gratitude is the key to joy. 

My real gratitude today (because fake gratitude doesn't work) is for the U of U students who noticed I was having car troubles, talked to me, called the helpful university car people, and stayed until my car was working. They didn't have to do that, and that meant a lot. 

I'm also grateful to have friends at work. 

Even with my gratitude, I definitely hope for a better day tomorrow!

Alive

Today I am grateful for waterproof mascara, among other things. 

Today I'm having a Barbosa moment. Meaning that "I feel..." Instead of being numb. I'm currently strangely optimistic about that. Despite dehydrating myself by losing it all through my eyes, I feel a strange satisfaction in knowing that at least I'm alive. Everything at church and with my family today felt more meaningful, thanks to my broken heart. I even like myself more than I did when I woke up today! Though it may sound crazy, at this moment I feel really grateful for my recent pain. 

My siblings watched a bunch of Mormon Messages today, and part of the Chris Wiliams one stuck out to me: "I'm grateful that God allows trials and tragedies to occur in our lives. Not because they're easy, or because they're desired. But because they help us love."

18 Months

The last 18 months of my life have been the happiest since 2008. And maybe even happier than that. I've been a lot more at peace, with more faith and trust, and more excitement for the present and the future. I've learned, felt loved, and grown a lot. And I'm just really grateful for that! I'm grateful for people who helped along the way, such as Juan/Tito who started it all with one conversation, Steffen, Sarah, and all my other friends who have inspired me. Above all, the happiness has come from the Savior. Each of the people I mentioned inspired me to come closer to the Savior in different ways, and He has been healing me, inspiring me, accompanying me, and helping me grow.

I feel fantastic. =) And the best is yet to come.

Bikes

It started out as stressful as all the other days have been this week. The days have been frustrating because of all the things I have to do that I can't do while I'm at work. But fortunately, I got to leave at 2:00 and go to the temple. I printed off the family names from a few days ago, and went to the Baptistry to do the work. I think I confused every temple worker in there. They're not used to having endowed single women do family names, I guess!

I stayed outside afterward and worked on things on my iPad (the iPad Air with an awesome keyboard/case I got at work today!) and finally started to feel like I was beginning to get some stuff done. I was able to get a letter of recommendation requested and returned to my by Gerry, all within a couple hours. It was nice to finally be make progress on some things.

We went home and had Sensuous Sandwiches while watching "A Goofy Movie." Which was great, as always. Then Charles and I went bikeriding for nearly an hour, as the sun was getting lower and setting. We had a fantastic time, and Charles kept saying "I love riding my bike. This is so fun!" I think he'll remember doing it, when he gets older, and it will mean a lot to him. I know it meant a lot to me when Dad took me bike riding in Provo canyon when I was young.

And the bikeriding felt so good to me! Its a good bike (for a WalMart bike) and I felt so free! I was even able to bike up several hills! It was such a lovely feeling to be riding it. I'm glad I got it, and I hope it serves me well for a long time in the future.

Tomorrow I get to go to Logan and see Sarah graduate! I also have other awesome friends to visit too, and I think it'll be a good day. I wish it could be longer, because I'll have to come home before too long and get everything ready for Sunday.

Anyway. It was a happy day, thanks to my family and my bike and the friends who are willing to help me and the benefits of my job and the peace and beauty of the temple. 

Forgot to mention, The Lord let me know that He would help me and things would work out in my callings if I would really turn to Him and allow Him to change me. I can be happy as I become better, if I remember it's only through Him. If I give Him the glory, I will find peace and joy and direction as I serve. Good to know. =) I'm grateful He spoke it to my heart.

Inadequate

I'm feeling inadequate. Doubting I can handle my responsibilities. I think I can do a mediocre job. But I want to do more. My responsibilities are pretty important things. That help people. Sigh. 

I went to an Institute Inservice meeting tonight, which overwhelmed me a little. But also gave me some comfort too. We read Doctrine and Covenants 123:16-17. 

16 You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

 

I guess I just need to remember what someone said a few days ago. There may be more work than we can do, but the only healthy way to approach it is just to start. Get working on what there is to work on, and whether or not it gets done, the time was used well, and good things happened that wouldn't have happened otherwise. 

And I also need to remember my worth does not hang on my performance. God loves me no matter how well I teach Institute, lead Relief Society, play the piano and guitar, take care of my body, meet my job expectations, serve my family, and get at least one the few awesome guys I know to date me (the hardest one!). These are important things, but my worth and His love for me don't change based on my performance of these duties.  I'll try to look at all these things as learning opportunities, and chances to do good for others.

And I need to remember that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I don't FEEL that at present, but I do choose to believe it and hope it'll sink in deeper as time goes on. =)

I am grateful for my life and all it's facets. I need to remember that. Because it's a wonderful feeling when I do. 

My 4th First Day

Today was my "first" day of work at a company I've worked for three times in the past. Last time was in 2010. It was a good day. I work in the IT department, doing internal technical support and clerical tasks. I feel important and valued there, and my coworkers are friends who believe in me. They give me plenty of opportunities to learn new things. It's great. =) Add to that the fact that I'm getting paid more than I ever have before, and I get to use a company iPad, and I'd say things are pretty swell. Getting laid off from that other company earlier this month was quite a blessing. I'm grateful to be where I am. 

Oh and did I mention the commute is half as long? Yeah. Life's pretty awesome. =)

My happiness is as deep as my gratitude

Things for Which I Am Grateful - For Which I Actually Feel Gratitude

• I had moments of feeling truly loved by a young man this week.
• I was able to realize how much I cared about this young man.
• He supports me in fulfilling my dreams and following God. And he also has dreams and commandments of his own to follow, and he will.
• I also realized how grateful I am for the Lord guiding me through the relationship I was in earlier (with Rob). God's hand is certainly guiding my life.
• I am grateful for the true love that is shared between close friends.
• I am grateful that school is over.
• I am grateful that Sarah and Becca performed with me yesterday, and made a dream of mine come true (singing "Long Time Traveller" and "Parting Glass" in beautiful harmony, in concert).
• I'm grateful for all the times Robert has had me perform at WhySound. I'm grateful for his kindness and his encouragement. He definitely has a heart full of kindness and faith, and encouraged me to believe I could do things that were scary for me. I can't express enough gratitude for that.
• I'm grateful for the painful moments in my life, and my opportunity to learn from them, and overcome them, becoming a deeper, better, and happier person than I was before.
• I'm grateful that God is giving me some new challenges (as I move home, prepare for internship, and also as I try to grow and be the best person I truly can, to be ready for my future), and that He'll guide me to meet them and overcome them. Powerfully.
• I'm grateful I now have no negative feelings towards Rob's ex-girlfriend, and was able to talk to her today for the first time. She was very easy to talk to, and I really enjoyed it. My heart is at peace in that area. Which feels fantastic.
• I'm grateful for the great people in the 43rd ward that I've come to know over the last year and a half.

Life may have crumbled around me in the last few days...so it's about time I start counting my blessings more.

I'm grateful for my iPhone, for my favorite religion teacher from BYU-I, for my sister, for hot tubs, and for sleep.

Inspiration

I woke up today feeling really well-rested. Then I looked at the clock and realized there was five minutes until church started. Oops. Needless to say, I was late to church today. Luckily Sacrament Meeting is last!

During Sacrament Meeting I randomly had all these ideas pop into my head about raising my future children. How to do Christmas in our home, how to help them develop personal relationships with Christ, how to help them live up to their potential... it was pretty fun getting all those ideas! I wrote them all down in my notebook so that I can save them and use them later.

After church I stuck around for choir practice. We have the best-sounding ward choir that I've ever heard! I was shocked! And pleased. I guess everyone has started coming now that it's Christmastime. It was a wonderful experience to participate, and to hear the strong harmonies, and to sing with soul. It was amazing! It was a good reminder to me of the power of music, and why I love it. It filled me with joy, and touched my soul.

My visiting teachers came after I got home. I have never had such consistent visiting teachers in my life! I love it.

Then I worked on the Scripture Sharing website I've been making. It can be visited at http://sites.google.com/site/scripturesharing/   I also worked on a few design details for this blog. All the pictures in the right column are links to awesome websites that I suggest visiting. =)

Went to the Christmas devotional by the First Presidency, and felt the Spirit there. Christmas is such an awesome time! I was able to brainstorm during the meeting about what kind of gifts to give this Christmas. I don't really have any money, so I'm having to get creative. Mostly it's gifts of time, service, or words. I'm excited. This is feeling like a really great Christmas season so far. I'm loving it!

The miracle I'm most grateful for today is personal revelation. The Lord is leading me! He gave me the idea of the things that I fasted for today. He gave me ideas of how to raise my future family. He helped me know what I could do for my friends and family for Christmas. He's been with me today, helping me understand His thoughts and His will and how I can come closer to Him. He's amazing.

Happy thoughts

Miracles and happy thoughts for today:

The snowflakes were big, pretty and slow.

I got to help a friend understand music theory better.

Jeff looks pretty good with facial hair... (as far as I can tell from his webcam) =)

I have food in my cupboards (thanks to the kindness of my parents on Monday)

Christmas is coming!

Gratitude 28 October 2010

I'm grateful for the temple. It's so much easier to feel God's love there than anywhere else.

I'm grateful that Jeff and I are focusing on listening and learning in our classes. It may be exhausting, but I'm actually feeling better about life now that I'm doing that. It feels really good not to have my attention so divided. I don't feel like I'm spread as thin. Time-wasters are dropping out of my life and becoming less important to me. It's a beautiful thing. =)

I'm grateful for my awesome home teacher who gave me a ride today! Saint.

I'm grateful for the kind man I talked to while waiting for my ride.

I'm grateful for the apple bread the ward missionaries brought over.

I'm grateful I got out of History class early (even though I like that class). It's just nice to have more time to do things than I thought I would have.

I'm grateful Jeff is coming up to visit tomorrow!

Gratitude 25 October 2010

I am grateful that it didn't snow until today. I got to enjoy a beautiful two months of late summer/early autumn up here.

I'm grateful I got to help the other Music Therapy students today, singing at the old folk's home. I'm grateful I got to witness them smiling and enjoying themselves. It strengthened my belief that music really does have powers that I can learn to use, to help others.

I'm grateful for beautiful poetry. I'm grateful that some people have such a gift with words, and that they share it with the rest of us.

I'm grateful for Dr. Huff's choice in songs in choir (with the exception of "Sleigh Ride").

I'm grateful for my roommates. =)

I'm grateful I have several coats to choose from. I'm gonna need 'em.

I'm grateful to be dating such an exceptional friend. =)

I'm so grateful God answers prayers!

Gratitude 20 October 2010

I'm grateful for my Dad. He's a wonderful example of dedication in his church calling. He's a happy person. And he has taught me to serve others. A memory that comes back to me is the Christmas morning that he insisted we shovel the driveways of just about everyone on our street! I'm grateful for his example.

I'm grateful that I did so well on all my tests last week.

I'm grateful for my Old Testament class and for the amazing truths and symbols in the Bible.

I'm grateful to be living in such a beautiful place at such a beautiful time of the year.

And I'm grateful I found my gloves! Because it's not going to stay beautiful for too much longer (as far as temperature is concerned).

Gratitude 11 October 2010

I'm grateful the cookies are all gone now.

I'm grateful I got my mandalas back (side-note: my professor said she spent three hours examining/interpreting my four mandalas! But she didn't tell me what they meant!). I'm grateful the last one came out so peaceful and beautiful.

I'm grateful for Whitney. I'm grateful she'll be home soon!

I'm grateful I woke up happy this morning!

I'm grateful I had time to study for my tests tomorrow.

I'm grateful my raspberries haven't gone moldy yet.

I'm grateful that the autumn trees are so beautiful.

I'm grateful that I'll be able to spend time with my family this weekend.

Gratitude 10 October 2010

I'm grateful I got to go to church today, take the Sacrament, and remember and testify of Jesus Christ.

I'm grateful I had so much fun with Jeff and my roommates.

I'm grateful for that eternal cookie recipe. They never stop being delicious, and everyone loves them. =) I'm grateful for white chocolate chips.

I'm grateful that I'm learning how to cook without getting stressed! The fettucine alfredo turned out great!

I'm grateful I had the opportunity to say the prayer at Ward Prayer. It was such a good experience. =)

I'm grateful to have so many exceptional people in my life.

I'm grateful I'm becoming a better person, through Christ's grace. I'm grateful He helps me think less often about myself and more often about others. Definitely still not perfect at that, but I'm grateful that I'm being changed.

I'm grateful for the testimony of my bishop about the modern-day prophets. I'm grateful to have a testimony of my own that they are God's spokesmen on the earth today. I'm grateful for them and their sacrifice.

I'm grateful that I feel so loved.

Gratitude 8 October 2010

I am grateful for mushrooms, butter, and how good they taste when cooked together.

I am grateful for the beautiful days in autumn.

I'm grateful I've never tried any drugs and become addicted. I'm grateful no one in my family drinks or smokes.

I'm grateful that the Spirit was present in Institute today and told me to get working on following the prophet's counsel to express gratitude!

I'm grateful I got to sleep in today.

I'm grateful it didn't snow.

I'm grateful I have a roommate who loves to testify of Christ!

I'm grateful the text for General Conference is online now, and that the online Study Notebook works with it.

I'm grateful I have a friend who doesn't mind giving me a ride to the temple.

I'm grateful for my mom's example of faith, diligence, and hope. She's constantly seeking for more and more truth from God.

I'm grateful to be dating someone who has never disrespected me in any way.

I'm grateful for the cheerful place that I found to study.

I'm grateful I got to help serve in the Institute building by signing up to play the piano in the lounge for half an hour each week.

I'm grateful Christmas is less than three months away.

I'm grateful that it's bedtime now. =)

Gratitude Video!

This is the video I mentioned in the last post... It makes me smile!

Go and Do - Gratitude

So. I am going to try to be more vocal about the things I'm grateful for. I'm not insisting to myself that I post my gratitude every day...but I hope I do. That will be my goal, but I don't want it to cause me so much stress that I'm not grateful for the opportunity to express gratitude. =P

To start off, I am really grateful that conference was a challenge for me, because now I am studying it more fervently, and looking deeper than I probably would have otherwise. I might have said to myself "I already got something from this talk, so its okay if I don't find anything new." Not so! I didn't find anything the first time. It was hiding from me. And by golly, I'm going to find it! And with the Spirit to guide me, I'll be able to find it. I'll be able to find exactly what the Lord needs for me to learn. It may or may not be big and grand on the surface - but if I repent and change according to what they say it will be a pivotal 6 months of my life. =) In addition to being a pivotal conference for the whole church, as I'm sure it is/was/will be.

Just to kick off this gratitude endeavor, I am also going to include one of my favorite videos.