Ask

I listened to a podcast that got me thinking (Hidden Brain, episode "WOOP, There It Is"). You think about your Wish, the best possible Outcome, the Obstacles within yourself that are blocking you, and create a Plan for when those obstacles arise. There's more to it, but that's the general overview. I love learning about goals and how to make effective ones, so this was really interesting to me! 

I realized that at least for me and my current stage, the obstacle is that I'm afraid to ask. Afraid to ask people to form a bluegrass group with me. Afraid to ask the guy that I'm attracted to on a date. Afraid to invite people to do things that I want to do. All because I'm assuming that no one will want to do these things, and I don't want to look dumb asking. 

So my plan is to ask anyway, and keep my mind open to the possibility they might be excited, maybe even as excited as I am. And if they say no, I won't be worse off. I'll just be in the same place I am now - without the bluegrass band, without the date with the specific person I like, without the specific social gathering I want - but a little braver. 

More Than an Angel

It's a good day to bear testimony of Jesus Christ.

Today at church, someone bore testimony of how the Savior fulfilled the Atonement perfectly and endured so much... so why would He turn His back now? He won't.

I then happened to read this quote by Dieter F. Uchtdorf:

"If we will lift our hearts to the Lord during those times [our own dark and bitter hours—times when our sorrow and grief may appear to be greater than we can bear], surely He will know and understand. He who suffered so selflessly for us in the garden and on the cross will not leave us comfortless now. He will strengthen, encourage, and bless us. He will encircle us in His gentle arms.
He will be more than an angel to us.
He will bring us blessed comfort, healing, hope, and forgiveness.
For He is our Redeemer.
Our Deliverer.
Our merciful Savior and our blessed God.
"Encircled in His Gentle Arms," Ensign, March 2015 - emphasis added

Trials and broken hearts change us. It's changing me. The times during the day that I remember to turn to the Savior, I find a measure of peace, and I can tell I'm becoming a more trusting person. I don't trust Him every minute - but I hope to become more consistent. For now, I'm happy that I don't stay miserable and doubtful all the time. My bouncing back and forth is progress, and I'm grateful for it.

I don't like pain... but I can't deny that I'm changing because of it. And through Jesus, our Savior, that change can be for the better.

Alive

Today I am grateful for waterproof mascara, among other things. 

Today I'm having a Barbosa moment. Meaning that "I feel..." Instead of being numb. I'm currently strangely optimistic about that. Despite dehydrating myself by losing it all through my eyes, I feel a strange satisfaction in knowing that at least I'm alive. Everything at church and with my family today felt more meaningful, thanks to my broken heart. I even like myself more than I did when I woke up today! Though it may sound crazy, at this moment I feel really grateful for my recent pain. 

My siblings watched a bunch of Mormon Messages today, and part of the Chris Wiliams one stuck out to me: "I'm grateful that God allows trials and tragedies to occur in our lives. Not because they're easy, or because they're desired. But because they help us love."

Honest Opinion: Being Silenced

One of my least favorite feelings is the frustration that comes from being silenced. There are a lot of ways it can happen: being cut short in a class or conversation setting, being ignored in the first place, being praised for being quiet and agreeing, or being told straight that "We're not talking anymore for now, goodbye."

I recognize that there are reasons in people's minds to justify these. Maybe even valid reasons in some circumstances. Maybe my comment was longer than they preferred, or doesn't match the conversation/lesson plan they had in their mind. Maybe they have attention problems. Maybe they are afraid of confrontation. Maybe they have a bad temper and have to end conversations early to keep themselves from losing it. 

Maybe my comments are not always the most informed or correct. 

But do any of those reasons justify silencing another person? Does being imperfect in my communications warrant taking away my voice?

I wish people had the will and strength and courage and desire to talk things out, whether it be a teacher, a church leader, a family member, a co-worker, or a friend. Whether the conversation is simply awkward, complexly emotional, long/boring, or thought-provoking and mind-shifting. 

Anyhow, in my effort to be more authentic, I must be heard. Or at least, I must say. 

That's kind of the point of these Honest Opinion posts, isn't it?

So there you have it. Honest opinion: being silenced is a terrible feeling. Not sure of all the applications from there, but that much I know. I do resolve to speak out more, and will figure out the means and methods of doing so as I go. 

Cultivating Authenticity - Thoughts As I Begin

So, I've decided the guidepost I'll be working on right now is Guidepost #1: Authenticity. The full title is "Cultivating Authenticity and Letting Go of What People Think." No big deal, right? Ha. This is going to be a challenge.

I am always looking for approval. This guidepost requires letting go of that. My initial response is, "If I let go of that, what do I hold onto??" And I don't know if I have an answer.

I know that I can feel God's love, and even His approval, as I've felt it many times. But is love from God really meant to be enough? He put us on this earth in families, and with friends. We are meant to connect. I can accept that God's love should be the most important. But is His love the ONLY love that matters?

Perhaps what I'm forgetting is that people are capable of loving me, even if I am myself, and even if I don't always agree with them. Even if I hurt them through carelessness or my other imperfections. My heart wonders, is that true?

Anyhow, these are some of my thoughts, and I want to document how I genuinely feel (here I go, cultivating authenticity!).

As I go forward working on this, I think I will concentrate on being true to my beliefs and values. It feels less self-focused than focusing on "being me." Instead I will focus on being true to my values and beliefs.

Part of my plan is to do a few more Honest Opinion posts. As I post on Facebook or elsewhere, I'll make an effort to be honest, not just clever. As I talk to people in person, I will make an effort to follow one of Brene's mantras: "Don't shrink. Don't puff up. Stand your sacred ground."

Wholehearted Update

I took a break from my Wholehearted posts for a few months... This was because I was finishing up my internship in February, then I moved back to Utah. In March and most of April all my extra time and energy un-regrettably went towards my dating relationship. 

Due to a slight status change in that relationship, I will probably resume my accountability posts on my wholehearted journey. I have a little more time than before, as well as a renewed motivation to find healing and change, and live Wholeheartedly. 

Dating, more than most things, really brings my insecurities to the forefront of my consciousness. In other words, I can't deny that I have problems, because I see them so clearly when I date!

So here's to my current form of marriage preparation, and a happy life! Expect a Wholehearted update soon. =)

Cultivating A Resilient Spirit: Week 1

This resiliency guidepost is a tricky one. I think it is the one I have the hardest time with. Basically, resilience is the ability to overcome adversity and bounce back from trials or pain. This resilience is rooted in spirituality, which I plan to talk a little more about in a future blog post. When we are not resilient, we turn to numbing instead. Numbing can be done in all kinds of ways, including drugs, alcohol, ice cream, Facebook, shopping, sex, over-planning, watching tv, staying busy, or anything else we use to avoid feeling pain. These things don't have to be bad things, but if we are using them to numb, we are misusing them, and we stop ourselves from progressing in a lot areas in life.

I believe I was numbing so much I didn't know I was numbing. When I would ask myself what trials I have gone through in my life, I couldn't think of any. Yet, if you were one of my close friends for very long, you probably heard me crying about all kinds of things that really weren't going right.

But if I was crying, then I wasn't numbing, right? Why would I be crying if I was avoiding the pain? I think it's because I wasn't crying because of the hurt itself. I was crying because I felt powerless.

So for me, one of the main keys to resilience is to start believing that I have power to change things. There are a few things I can't change, but they are quite few compared to the things I can change. And working on using my power to change things is a far better alternative to numbing.

I'm throwing around a lot of terms here, but I want to share an example to make more sense of it. In January 2014, I had been living at home for about a month, after I had finished all my college classes. I had broken up with someone in November (after dating him for four months), and then broken up with a friend named Steffen that I had been close friends with for 2 years, and dated for about 2 weeks. We were still friends, and talked fairly often. I started to get really lonely and depressed and hopeless about my situation - living at home with no friends around, and without the support of a boyfriend, which I had gotten used to in the preceding months. My loneliness was very sharp, and I often called Steffen in these moments, just to have someone to talk to. One of the times I called/texted, he was at a party and said he couldn't talk for a few hours. I didn't know what to do. I had tried calling other people too, and no one was available. I felt I had exhausted every option, and now I was going to be alone. I was terrified of being alone, of no one coming to save me from my pain. I had prayed too, but I was still feeling terrified and lonely.

Eventually I thought to myself, "Okay fine! I guess this is it! I'm alone! No one is coming. No one will come save me from this pain. So I guess I have no choice but to feel it." I then proceeded to feel the pain of being alone - of calling for help and no one answering. I felt the pain pretty deeply and cried my heart out for about 20 minutes. And then............... I felt okay, and I realized I had survived! I thought to myself, "This is the pain I've been avoiding for years?" My fear of this pain had negatively influenced so many of decisions and my moods over the years, and yet the pain itself was really not that bad. I found that crying from genuine pain for 20 minutes is completely worth it, instead of numbing pain whenever it comes, running from it, and making decisions in order to avoid it. After going through this pain, the fog of fear was gone, and I could then finally make some choices to try to change things, with hope that things would change. And that even if things didn't change right away, the pain wouldn't defeat me.

Putting down my shield and allowing myself to feel the pain ended up enabling me to be more powerful. Interesting, huh? I believe that God did the best thing by not taking away my pain. I needed to survive those 20 minutes. After that, He helped me to move forward.

I acknowledge that some pain is so large that 20 minutes of crying won't take care of it. These 20 minutes didn't completely take care of my loneliness either. They just taught me I could survive through it. The experience taught me to not let my fear of pain make the decisions for me. Instead, I can make my choices based on other things, like my goals and deepest desires, trusting that my Savior will help me through any of the pain that is too much for me to handle.

Without God, I don't think I could be resilient. But with Him, I can do anything.

This week and month, I will do my best to not run away from pain. I will admit when I am uncomfortable or pained, and give myself permission to feel it. And then give myself permission to move on. Saying good-bye to my Chicago friends and my Chicago life this month will be hard. But I will survive it. And I will be able to move forward with power if I will let myself feel the pain of good-bye first. It's pain that I know I can survive.

February Guidepost: Cultivating a Resilient Spirit & Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness

I'm proceeding with my plan to focus on a new guidepost each month. I intend to keep practicing self-compassion, but I will turn my attention toward cultivating a resilient spirit and letting go of numbing and powerlessness. Part of the reason I chose this one is because I'm going to be saying a lot of goodbyes this month, and making some big changes, and I don't want to be numb to those experiences. I want respond and interact  powerfully with the changes in my life this month. 

I'll try to explain more this week about Brene's research on this topic. I have bus time now, so I may be posting more, since this commute is a good opportunity for that. 

Here's to an exciting month!

Self-Compassion: Week 3 (On Letting Go Of Perfectionism, and Embracing a Bright Future)

Hello all! I'd like to account for my self-compassion this week. =)

I didn't do a perfect job, but I was much more self-compassionate this week. My music therapy supervisor, Soozie, also helped me to be self-compassionate by assigning me to write down what things I did well in the children's group, and then share that list with her the next day. I wrote down the things I did well, trying to think of as many honest things I could, then I put the list aside. The next day I looked at it, and realized that my list described the attributes that I would want in a music therapist if I was hiring one. So that was a pretty happy moment! I think that writing it right after the experience means that I was able to remember all the good things clearly, but being a day separated from it helped me to evaluate it more clearly, and see it for how good it actually was. I could recognize the good, instead of being wrapped up in my thoughts of "How could I have forgotten the colored scarves? And why didn't I put the songs in a better order? And why can't I think fast enough on my feet, about what to do next?" Instead, I could say "I was really engaged with the kids in the group. And I was able to play songs on the violin without any preparation or written music, when the need called for it. And I included every child, even the ones who were quiet, and gave everyone a chance to shine. And I was authentic."

As I was thinking about this guidepost more this week and last, I remembered that the guidepost has a second part. The whole name of the guidepost is "Cultivating Self-Compassion. Letting Go of Perfectionism." Which gave me a little more direction in how I apply this self-compassion thing. I believe that I don't need to be constantly complimenting myself. I think that self-compassion is most important in those perfectionistic moments, those times when we get stuck in a circle in our heads, saying "Why did I make that mistake? Why can't I get this right? I'm not ___ enough! And now people have seen that!" My goal is to get into a habit of self kindness, so that when those perfectionistic moments come, I will be more easily able to say to myself, "Ali, I love you no matter what. You've got this. I know you will figure it out, in time. Breathe. =)"

I would like to share a quote about perfectionism that was very mind-opening for me. I share it on Facebook a few months back, and several others expressed it helped them in the same way. This is from Brene's book, "The Gifts of Imperfection," page 56:

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from taking flight.

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused -- How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused -- What will they think?

I've also heard her say in a video clip that perfectionism is a shield that prevents us from being truly seen.

The thing that started me on my journey to Chicago was actually a dream I had. The message conveyed to me in the dream was "Don't be afraid to truly be yourself. Those who care will accept you for who you are, and there will also be others who will not only accept you, but love you for it. And they will be loving the real you." And then the second message of the dream was "Do your internship in Chicago." I'm seeing that unfold in several possible ways, but I think the main one is that I am learning to love myself for who I am. And as I love myself for who I am, I imagine that all my relationships from here on out have the capacity to be infinitely more wonderful. I know I was supposed to come to Chicago, and I am so grateful for it. As I learn to do hard things and grow, while also loving myself through the uncomfortable growing experiences, I am coming to know myself more deeply, and recognizing a very bright and happy future more deeply than I have before. It will most certainly be hard, but my life is going to be more deeply joyful and exciting than I realized it could be.

Also, I wanted to share my morning reminder that I just posted on my wall (real wall in my room) yesterday.  Maybe you can say it to yourself as well. =)

Self-Compassion - Week 2

I'm here to check in and report about my efforts in self-compassion. I've had some good moments of self-compassion. However, I haven't even thought about it that much, because its just not my habit to be compassionate to myself. I hope to think of some ways to remind myself, or identify some things that may help trigger my memory of my commitment.

In thinking back, I got quite overwhelmed on Wednesday morning. On Wednesday mornings we have the pediatric music group, and that group is quite overwhelming for me. The music has to just keep continuing, in order to hold their attention, and needs to be high-energy most of the time as well. It involves thinking fast on your feet... and that's something that doesn't always come naturally to me. I'm a ponderer. And it's not very easy to ponder fast! Anyway, my stress was so apparent that Soozie put her hand on my shoulder and looked at me, saying "Ali! It's going to be okay!" Moments like that could use more self-compassion. Both groups that day ended up going really well, so my worrying was for nothing anyway. Which is just a good reminder to me for the future. Things go well the majority of the time, as long as I am putting in effort.

There is something I want to add in though. This morning I had a really good prayer experience, where I really was focused on wanting to hear what my Father has to say to me, so I wrote down the words that came to me. And the words that come from Him and through my mind were full of compassion. I want to include in the practice of self-compassion the receiving of compassion from God.

I like my idea of listening to "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" each morning. I didn't do that this week. I was running late many of the mornings this week. I will plan to go to bed earlier this week, so that I don't wake up as grouchy, and I can enjoy the morning and fill it with hope and compassion. I will also take time at lunch and in the evening to write down at least one self-compassionate statement. I will put an alarm in my phone to remind me to do that. My goal is ultimately to be self-compassionate spontaneously and whenever the need arises. But for now, I will start with a scheduled and structured approach, to get it on my mind more. It will become more natural and spontaneous as time goes on. I also plan to take a little more time for listening during my scripture study, instead of just saying a fast prayer and reading.

All in all, I do just want to say that I have had a really good week. I did a lot of things well, and I will continue to learn new things next week, in my internship. I also made some good healthy emotional choices about how to spend my time on Friday, allowing myself to have fun. I made lots of small good emotional choices in how I think about some of my relationships as well. I feel like I'm becoming a happier person as time goes on, and I'm really grateful for that. I'm grateful to be where I am in life, working on making both the world outside me and the world inside me more beautiful.

I think for next week's post, I'd like to explore the second half of this guidepost: "Letting Go Of Perfectionism." Look forward to it. =)

Self-Compassion

This month I will be working on self-compassion.

The easiest way to explain it is: I will talk to myself the same way I talk to the people I love.

When I first tried to work on this last year, it was really hard. I tried to think of nice things to say to myself, and everything I would try to say would turn into advice or direction-giving. It was really hard! I've had a little bit of practice since then, but am excited to become more consistent and genuine with it this month.

At first I was hesitant to work on this, because it sounded so selfish, and I have issues about selfishness. As I've read the research and thought about it more, I've realized self-compassion is not a selfish thing. It just means we don't treat ourselves like an enemy. It doesn't mean we put ourselves and our needs far above everybody else's and tune out of their lives. It just means that we don't attack ourselves, especially in moments of weakness.

If we consider ourselves to be our own friend, we should talk to ourselves as a friend. If we consider ourselves an enemy, well didn't Jesus Christ say to love our enemies?

Self-compassion does not mean we take more and more time to ourselves. It just means that the time that we do spend with ourselves doesn't involve verbal abuse from within.

As awkward as it might be, this week when I am tempted to insult myself, I will either say "I've got your back, Ali", give myself a hug (seems silly, but has helped in the past!), or find something else encouraging to say. And I will start my commute every day with the song "I Know Heavenly Father Loves Me." =)

Wholehearted Journey

I am intending 2015 to be a very healing year. I know things won't be perfect by the end of the year, but I know things will be better. No matter what the circumstances outside me, my life will be better internally.

I intend to do this through a focus on my Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe that through Him, my sins can be forgiven, my mistakes can be learned from and made beautiful or remedied, and I can be given the strength to grow and change. He sees me as "the glorious being [I am] capable of becoming."

I will be studying and applying His Atonement in my daily and weekly life. I also intend to study and apply the things I've learned from Brene Brown's research. Her research (without God) is not enough, because, as part of her research explains, spirituality is a necessary component. A belief in God and His love is essential in order for healing and resilience to occur.

For me, healing comes through Jesus Christ. And I believe that whether or not people acknowledge it, He is the source of all healing.

I'm going to be trying out each of the Guideposts to Wholehearted Living, one for each month, and living them, to see if these seeds are good. (See Alma 32.) I believe they are, but I will try and see. And I am very excited to see the fruits that I believe will come, as I plant these seeds. =)

Not only do I believe this will help me be happier, I feel that it will help me to bring light to others, and help me to serve people more powerfully, in my profession, my personal ministry, and in my everyday life.



--The guidepost I intend to embrace for the month of January is self-compassion. Which I will write about tomorrow!--

Digging Deep

To quote from Brene Brown, on page 4 of "The Gifts of Imperfection":

[The Wholehearted] get:

• Deliberate in their thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or simply setting their intentions;
• Inspired to make new and different choices;
• Going. They take action.

Close quote. =)

For becoming more comfortable with myself:

• My intention that I'm setting right now is to become more fully comfortable with myself.
• My new and different choice will be to read from this book every day, and apply something in it.
• And I will prove I did something by reporting that I did, on here.

I will also apply this to my work tomorrow.

• I will set my intention to put patients first.
• My different choice will be to use positive language - "I GET to see several patients today" instead of "I better see several patients today."
• I will go do several sessions. As many as time will allow.

Time to Dig Deep

Today I was reminded that I am not as emotionally resilient as I would like to be. After a rough conversation with my internship director, I realized several things, and these are two that stuck out the most:

1. If I don't become comfortable with myself, I will never succeed as a therapist.
2. I also need to believe that the music therapy sessions I'm providing are extremely valuable, or at least of worth, to the well-being of my patients. I can't succeed without that either.

I feel like these are a foundation that I have to have, in order for anything else to work out.

How does one become comfortable with oneself? The answers I've thought of so far are:

• Praying for healing
• Praying with the purpose of developing a relationship with God, who loves me
• Praying specifically for Him to remind me of His love
• Prayerfully guided scripture study
• Exercise and good diet and sleep
• The 10 guideposts in "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. I started working on it earlier this year (it helped!), and I think its time to pick it up or start it over.

So I might be sharing some of my Wholehearted Journey on here. Starting with this amazing quote from page 6 of "The Gifts of Imperfection":

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy -- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

 The 10 Guideposts

Painted in July 2014 =)

Inadequate

I'm feeling inadequate. Doubting I can handle my responsibilities. I think I can do a mediocre job. But I want to do more. My responsibilities are pretty important things. That help people. Sigh. 

I went to an Institute Inservice meeting tonight, which overwhelmed me a little. But also gave me some comfort too. We read Doctrine and Covenants 123:16-17. 

16 You know, brethren, that a very large ship is benefited very much by a very small helm in the time of a storm, by being kept workways with the wind and the waves.

17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

 

I guess I just need to remember what someone said a few days ago. There may be more work than we can do, but the only healthy way to approach it is just to start. Get working on what there is to work on, and whether or not it gets done, the time was used well, and good things happened that wouldn't have happened otherwise. 

And I also need to remember my worth does not hang on my performance. God loves me no matter how well I teach Institute, lead Relief Society, play the piano and guitar, take care of my body, meet my job expectations, serve my family, and get at least one the few awesome guys I know to date me (the hardest one!). These are important things, but my worth and His love for me don't change based on my performance of these duties.  I'll try to look at all these things as learning opportunities, and chances to do good for others.

And I need to remember that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I don't FEEL that at present, but I do choose to believe it and hope it'll sink in deeper as time goes on. =)

I am grateful for my life and all it's facets. I need to remember that. Because it's a wonderful feeling when I do. 

Play

Yesterday I played a lot. Jumped on the trampoline and taught my brothers how to do a flip (it'll take them a lot of practice), ate FRENCH TOAST (emphasized because I love it and rarely get it), ran/sprinted along with my brothers as they rode bikes (I need my own bike), watched a few good short videos, and painted. And texted Sarah. And talked to my childhood friend Alice. Life is good. Life really does feel better when you mix in a good portion of fun along with the work. As I sat on the trampoline and watched my brothers flying all over the place, I just felt really content and peaceful. It wasn't flashy fun, but it was simple fun, and I was lighthearted and content. =)

Because of Him

Yesterday was awesome. It was a pretty full day. The awesome part is that I felt like I was the best version of myself I've been. I felt sincere and kind. I've been kind before, but not always sincerely. My authenticity and sincerity improvements make for a richer experience in life. =)

I can sense a more real conversion than I've had before, and I love it. There's a lot more love and happiness available in life than I thought there was. And it's because of Christ.

http://youtu.be/_S3TI4bYerU

The day really was awesome. The Spirit in our testimony meeting was actually really strong! I had a temple recommend interview, and felt deep peace and emotions. I got to go visiting teaching, as well as to a meeting where I also felt the Spirit as we planned for an awesome family history event. I got several opportunities to serve, and took them, even though I didn't have to. I'm glad I did. 

My friend Bronson asked his Facebook friends how Jesus Christ has made a difference in our lives. I responded that because of Him, I can be brave and act in courage, knowing that all my mistakes that I make as I'm trying to learn by experience can be forgiven, healed, and made into something beautiful. So there's no need to be afraid. Because of Him I can leave behind perfectionism and experience true growth, joy, and gratitude instead. He's my safety, and provides me with all the hope I need. 

I am so eternally grateful to know I have a Savior who loves me infinitely. Believing that changes everything. I know He lives and I know He loves me. And I know He is the Son of God. 

"I Will Give My Heart to Him"

As I've been working on emotional things the last few weeks (mostly because of the Wholehearted Class I'm taking online), I've realized something about myself. I identify myself by my challenges and the pain I've felt. Emotional abuse, a challenging mission, hard break-ups, and being single... these are my identity. Which is a problem, because my main goal for 2014 is to become emotionally and spiritually whole. To be healed. So that I will be able to move on, with the future being more about maintenance and growth than about recovery.

I know the Savior CAN heal me... but I realized recently that I haven't wanted Him to. Because then who would I be? What would be left of me? What claim would I have to people's kindness? I imagine myself feeling naked and alone.

Which brings me to a realization I just barely had as I was writing this! So, Brene talks about perfectionism being a shield that protects us from being seen. And that's true, I've lived that. But I think I'm also using my pain and challenges in a similar way. I hide behind it. The fact that I would feel naked (vulnerable) without it helped me realize that.

My fear is that no one would pay attention to an emotionally stable me. Because I wouldn't need them. And I would be boring. (I'm not saying I am boring, but that is my extreme fear.) Wow... I currently don't actually believe that anyone would like me for me, and care about me, unless I had some problems for them to "fix" or some need that could pull compassion from them. (Maybe part of this comes from being in a large family where you mostly just get attention when you have a problem. Or from my therapy education background of everyone having big problems.)

The sad thing is, that might mean that's how I see others. I care about those with the biggest problems, because of their problems. Because then I feel needed.

Ick.

I've got some work to do.

This blog post took an unexpected turn... Anyway, I will still post the quote I intended to from the beginning. It still applies. =) Basically, I've been thinking about this concept a lot, and how healing and sanctification are only the beginning of a beautiful future. I've been so afraid to be healed or give my heart to God, because I see it as the end of something. But, it truly is a beginning.

This quote is from President Osguthorpe's amazing CES Devotional in November, spoken by one of the young adults in a video segment.

"Giving your heart and your will to God … the first thing He does with it is He sanctifies it. It’s not like we’re all just giving our hearts to God and He just puts them in a big vault and says, 'Yes, one more heart for me to enjoy.' He takes it and sanctifies it and proves it and gives it back to us and says, “Now go use this and do great things.” I just never really thought about what happened after you gave it to Him. I thought that was kind of the end, but that’s just the beginning."

What things are ahead? What might I have to look forward to after becoming more emotionally whole? Any thoughts or comments, especially from those who have gone through something similar?

"Happiness, Your Heritage" - Overlap of Brene Brown and Dieter F. Uchtdorf

As I was reading my scriptures and listening to conference talks, I decided to listen to Pres. Uchtdorf, because he has a way of vocalizing the bridges and connections between the gospel and the work of Brene Brown. What she says feels true to me, and President Uchtdorf is able to back that up really well, and the Spirit confirms.

In September 2008 he gave the address "Happiness, Your Heritage" from which I'll be sharing some quotes.

First, he talks about how happiness is what we all yearn for. And what happiness is the greatest kind possible? God's happiness. So what is God's happiness? What makes Him happy? We probably can't understand everything that makes him happy, but we do know what His work and His glory is: to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.

"Heavenly Father is able to accomplish these two great goals—the immortality and eternal life of man—because He is a God of creation and compassion. Creating and being compassionate are two objectives that contribute to our Heavenly Father’s perfect happiness. Creating and being compassionate are two activities that we as His spirit children can and should emulate." 

He then goes on to talk about both being creative and being compassionate. Both of which are focuses of Brene's work. The intention for the first week of her class is "Courage, Compassion, and Connection will be my constant companions." It's an art-journaling class, because creativity is needed to help open us up so we can practice vulnerability.

Here is a long excerpt from when he talks about creation:

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before. 

Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. 

Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty—and I am not talking about the process of cleaning the rooms of your teenage children. 

You might say, “I’m not the creative type. When I sing, I’m always half a tone above or below the note. I cannot draw a line without a ruler. And the only practical use for my homemade bread is as a paperweight or as a doorstop.” 

If that is how you feel, think again, and remember that you are spirit daughters of the most creative Being in the universe. Isn’t it remarkable to think that your very spirits are fashioned by an endlessly creative and eternally compassionate God? Think about it—your spirit body is a masterpiece, created with a beauty, function, and capacity beyond imagination. 

But to what end were we created? We were created with the express purpose and potential of experiencing a fulness of joy.  Our birthright—and the purpose of our great voyage on this earth—is to seek and experience eternal happiness. One of the ways we find this is by creating things. 

If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them. If you are not a mother now, the creative talents you develop will prepare you for that day, in this life or the next. 

You may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us.  The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter. 

What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside. 

If you still feel incapable of creating, start small. Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it. 

The more you trust and rely upon the Spirit, the greater your capacity to create. That is your opportunity in this life and your destiny in the life to come. Sisters, trust and rely on the Spirit. As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you.

Perhaps tomorrow I will post more about compassion. This post is pretty long already. To end this, I'm going to include my act of creativity that I completed yesterday:

Brene Brown eCourse

I'm starting an eCourse by Brene Brown, and today is the first day. I figured I could use this blog as a good journal on my way, of the things I'm comfortable sharing with the world. So, be prepared, its going to be taking over my blog for a while here. =)

Every week we set an intention, so I'm gonna post mine right here.

I will keep courage, compassion, and connection on my mind and in my heart, and look for ways I can live them each day. I will be humble enough to realize their value in each situation, and also forgive myself when I fail to live them. I will seek to show courage, compassion and connection at every opportunity, and love myself through the process.

"Courage, compassion and connection will be my constant companions."

For any of my blog readers who don't know who Brene Brown is, or what her work is about... you can watch her TED talks right here. To me, they were/are life-changing. They feel completely true to me. And so important. Enjoy! (She curses now and then, but I feel that watching these videos is completely worth it!)