Self-Compassion: Week 3 (On Letting Go Of Perfectionism, and Embracing a Bright Future)

Hello all! I'd like to account for my self-compassion this week. =)

I didn't do a perfect job, but I was much more self-compassionate this week. My music therapy supervisor, Soozie, also helped me to be self-compassionate by assigning me to write down what things I did well in the children's group, and then share that list with her the next day. I wrote down the things I did well, trying to think of as many honest things I could, then I put the list aside. The next day I looked at it, and realized that my list described the attributes that I would want in a music therapist if I was hiring one. So that was a pretty happy moment! I think that writing it right after the experience means that I was able to remember all the good things clearly, but being a day separated from it helped me to evaluate it more clearly, and see it for how good it actually was. I could recognize the good, instead of being wrapped up in my thoughts of "How could I have forgotten the colored scarves? And why didn't I put the songs in a better order? And why can't I think fast enough on my feet, about what to do next?" Instead, I could say "I was really engaged with the kids in the group. And I was able to play songs on the violin without any preparation or written music, when the need called for it. And I included every child, even the ones who were quiet, and gave everyone a chance to shine. And I was authentic."

As I was thinking about this guidepost more this week and last, I remembered that the guidepost has a second part. The whole name of the guidepost is "Cultivating Self-Compassion. Letting Go of Perfectionism." Which gave me a little more direction in how I apply this self-compassion thing. I believe that I don't need to be constantly complimenting myself. I think that self-compassion is most important in those perfectionistic moments, those times when we get stuck in a circle in our heads, saying "Why did I make that mistake? Why can't I get this right? I'm not ___ enough! And now people have seen that!" My goal is to get into a habit of self kindness, so that when those perfectionistic moments come, I will be more easily able to say to myself, "Ali, I love you no matter what. You've got this. I know you will figure it out, in time. Breathe. =)"

I would like to share a quote about perfectionism that was very mind-opening for me. I share it on Facebook a few months back, and several others expressed it helped them in the same way. This is from Brene's book, "The Gifts of Imperfection," page 56:

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from taking flight.

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused -- How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused -- What will they think?

I've also heard her say in a video clip that perfectionism is a shield that prevents us from being truly seen.

The thing that started me on my journey to Chicago was actually a dream I had. The message conveyed to me in the dream was "Don't be afraid to truly be yourself. Those who care will accept you for who you are, and there will also be others who will not only accept you, but love you for it. And they will be loving the real you." And then the second message of the dream was "Do your internship in Chicago." I'm seeing that unfold in several possible ways, but I think the main one is that I am learning to love myself for who I am. And as I love myself for who I am, I imagine that all my relationships from here on out have the capacity to be infinitely more wonderful. I know I was supposed to come to Chicago, and I am so grateful for it. As I learn to do hard things and grow, while also loving myself through the uncomfortable growing experiences, I am coming to know myself more deeply, and recognizing a very bright and happy future more deeply than I have before. It will most certainly be hard, but my life is going to be more deeply joyful and exciting than I realized it could be.

Also, I wanted to share my morning reminder that I just posted on my wall (real wall in my room) yesterday.  Maybe you can say it to yourself as well. =)

18 Months

The last 18 months of my life have been the happiest since 2008. And maybe even happier than that. I've been a lot more at peace, with more faith and trust, and more excitement for the present and the future. I've learned, felt loved, and grown a lot. And I'm just really grateful for that! I'm grateful for people who helped along the way, such as Juan/Tito who started it all with one conversation, Steffen, Sarah, and all my other friends who have inspired me. Above all, the happiness has come from the Savior. Each of the people I mentioned inspired me to come closer to the Savior in different ways, and He has been healing me, inspiring me, accompanying me, and helping me grow.

I feel fantastic. =) And the best is yet to come.

Play

Yesterday I played a lot. Jumped on the trampoline and taught my brothers how to do a flip (it'll take them a lot of practice), ate FRENCH TOAST (emphasized because I love it and rarely get it), ran/sprinted along with my brothers as they rode bikes (I need my own bike), watched a few good short videos, and painted. And texted Sarah. And talked to my childhood friend Alice. Life is good. Life really does feel better when you mix in a good portion of fun along with the work. As I sat on the trampoline and watched my brothers flying all over the place, I just felt really content and peaceful. It wasn't flashy fun, but it was simple fun, and I was lighthearted and content. =)

Sunshine

I had several highlights or moments of happiness today. I got to leave work early, and even though the sky had been gloomy this morning, the sun was shining and the sky clear when I left at 4:00. It was beautiful, and I sang out loud as I walked to my car. =)

The second highlight was eating at Brick Oven for Tanner's birthday, and being called "Sweetheart" by the balloon guy, who made me a lavender seahorse. Maybe I've never admitted it, but I love terms of endearment and little names like that. When Rob called me "Babe" the first time back in July or August, it made my day. And Elder Hammond called me "Sweetheart" all the time and I loved it. 

Which leads me to the third highlight. I enjoyed my evening with the Bradshaw's, and was even referred to as "Sunshine" by Brother Bradshaw. They invited me to join them for dinner, then scriptures and prayer, after we had recorded the video I'll be sending to ITA as part of my audition. Wanna see it?

http://youtu.be/4ajiAdhY2zA

Suffice it to say, I felt very loved today. By God, strangers, family, and the Bradshaws. I'm especially grateful for Sister Bradshaw's time and talent that she shared with me tonight. It's good to know I really do have people around who truly care for me, and show it. 

Happy Interviews

I love interviews where I feel happy and good about myself afterwards. What a blessing!

I've had two interviews this week, and should have at least two next week. Hoping I find an excellent fit. =)

My happiness is as deep as my gratitude

Things for Which I Am Grateful - For Which I Actually Feel Gratitude

• I had moments of feeling truly loved by a young man this week.
• I was able to realize how much I cared about this young man.
• He supports me in fulfilling my dreams and following God. And he also has dreams and commandments of his own to follow, and he will.
• I also realized how grateful I am for the Lord guiding me through the relationship I was in earlier (with Rob). God's hand is certainly guiding my life.
• I am grateful for the true love that is shared between close friends.
• I am grateful that school is over.
• I am grateful that Sarah and Becca performed with me yesterday, and made a dream of mine come true (singing "Long Time Traveller" and "Parting Glass" in beautiful harmony, in concert).
• I'm grateful for all the times Robert has had me perform at WhySound. I'm grateful for his kindness and his encouragement. He definitely has a heart full of kindness and faith, and encouraged me to believe I could do things that were scary for me. I can't express enough gratitude for that.
• I'm grateful for the painful moments in my life, and my opportunity to learn from them, and overcome them, becoming a deeper, better, and happier person than I was before.
• I'm grateful that God is giving me some new challenges (as I move home, prepare for internship, and also as I try to grow and be the best person I truly can, to be ready for my future), and that He'll guide me to meet them and overcome them. Powerfully.
• I'm grateful I now have no negative feelings towards Rob's ex-girlfriend, and was able to talk to her today for the first time. She was very easy to talk to, and I really enjoyed it. My heart is at peace in that area. Which feels fantastic.
• I'm grateful for the great people in the 43rd ward that I've come to know over the last year and a half.

Lift Up Your Heads, Feast Upon His Love

This morning I read Jacob 3:2, in the Book of Mormon.

"O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, your minds are firm, forever."

And I just wanted to talk a little more about the last few days.

God has been reminding me of past experiences, and has been softening my heart towards myself. He inspired my bishop to remind me that I may have helped people and not have known it, or that things I do now will help people later. Then God reminded me of the woman from Colorado who read my Elder Holland book on the plane. What if that became a small turning point in her life? I thought of a conversation that I had with my friend Riley this summer, that seemed to be somewhat of a turning point in his life, raising his sights and helping him to expect more from the future. And yesterday, God sent me Elder Fielding to let me know that I helped him find people to teach, and that Damien, the young boy I taught the gospel to in 2008, is obedient and diligent in his priesthood duties, willing to do whatever he is asked to do.

God let me know that He is proud of me for walking alone, but that I won't always have to. He let me see a glimpse of how much love I will feel in the future.

He also helped me be brave and honest. And He helped me reach out in confidence and friendship to others.

He nourished my soul. Helped me be excited. Helped me to love. Helped me to hope. And He let me know that He loves me.

I feel fantastic. I don't know how long this spiritual high will last, but let me tell you, I'm going to cherish every second.

You know what I just realized? I have been praying for a couple years now for faith, hope and charity. To be happy, loving, and brave. And yesterday was one amazing example of the Lord answering that prayer. =) And so, I can testify that He answers prayers. In His own time and way, He has answered this prayer. And I hope (and believe) He will continue.

Up

I will do more quoting of Elder Carl Cook's talk later, I'm sure, but for right now I'm just going to quote six words.

Look up, step up, cheer up.

The Spirit definitely confirmed to me today that I need to step up. I have not been giving him my whole heart. He has not been first in my life. I've been on a sort of emotional/mental break. Not from talking about Him, but from feeling and knowing Him.

I feel hope, definitely, that if I sincerely turn to Him, and diligently step up and pour my heart into my duty and my current Relief Society quest, I really will cheer up. And the lives of others will be blessed as well! =)

And to quote Gandalf:

Now isn't that an encouraging thought?

Pizzazz

Life has kind of lost it's sparkliness. Probably just from being so busy. And having a lame collection of classes. And feeling like I'm not doing enough with my calling.

But circumstances shouldn't determine how I feel that much. I want more of the Spirit, so that I can find more joy in life. And know how to help others.

How am I going to get more of the Spirit in my life? More sincere prayer, more focused scripture study, and putting my calling ahead of just about everything else. I'm reluctant to do that, but I'm trying to have faith that if I give Him more of my time (and heart), He'll magnify the rest of my time, and help me find the joy I need, and teach me how to serve each of His children.

Please pray for me to be able to make those changes!

Happy

I just feel like I need to make it known that I have been pretty happy today. Circumstances were medium good, but who needs circumstances anyway? I just felt happy inside. There were some things that contributed though.

The sunrise
Friends at work
A nap
Coworkers singing and/or dancing
Rode on a motorcycle
Bought tons of fresh produce!
Dancing around in the kitchen
Ran a couple miles
Made French toast
Showered
Sunset
Beautiful summer-in-Logan evening!
Awesome music listened to
Felt independent, capable, and free

One of the few things missing was my scripture study. =( Somehow I'm going to get back into the habit. Please pray for me to recognize times and ways for me to study the word of God. I need help with it.

Like a little seed...

Nothing too big happened today. A portion of my energy was used up keeping myself from hyperventilating because next Wednesday I have what feels like a million really big projects due, and some of them I haven't started. Let it be known that I never plan to take 18 credits in one semester again.

I have a place to live this summer, but no job yet. Trying not to get too stressed out about that. I'm really excited to have a private room though, once I move. It's gonna be awesome. It sounds so peaceful, does it not?

I talk a lot during my piano lessons. I hope I don't drive my professor crazy. But she asks how I'm doing, and means it! I can't pass up an opportunity like that! =)

My confidence is growing. It's grown a little bit in the last day or two. I can feel it. It's pretty exciting. Just like the blessing from bishop said it would be, this is a really exciting time of life for me! I am genuinely more excited about life than I've been in years. I'm coming to myself. And I know that it will help me be a more effective tool in God's hands, to bless His children. =)

Drum Envy

Today I was just the right amount of busy. Well, maybe a little too busy, because there's one assignment I'll have to turn in late. But anyhow, I really liked the pacing of my day. I was busy all day, but not frantically so. I had a lot more purpose. Mostly because there were a lot of things due, and the end is drawing near on the other things that aren't due yet.

Whether it was the purpose I felt, the music I played, the things I got done, the weather outside today (spring!), or an answer to prayer, I don't know, but one way or another, I felt content today. "And that's a big deal for me..." =) I think it was all those things.

Funny part of today: when the opera people got upset with us for playing our big drum too loud. They're just jealous. =)

Isaiah 64

"Oh that thou wouldest rend the heavens, that thou wouldest come down, that the mountains might flow down at thy presence..." (Isaiah 64:1)

There is so much corruption in the world. So much violence, so many lies. I am excited for the day when all of that is put to an end. Can you imagine a world full of honesty? Light? Virtue? Love? Cheerfulness? Forgiveness? Intelligence? Unselfish service? Unity? Peace?

I believe we'll experience that, and more.

"For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him." (Isaiah 64:4)

Playtime & Devotion

When I have children, I want to play with them. Nearly constantly. Whenever they want to play. As a missionary, I was supposed to leave my past life behind, and put all my personal cares aside. I want to do the same thing for my children that I was supposed to do for my investigators and the Savior. Make my life, all my focus, be on them. Working in love and unity with my companion. The fewer chores I can do the better. My only projects should be those that benefit my children and my husband. My rest and rejuvenation prepare me to have the energy I need to keep devoting myself to my family. And I will be blessed for it. By losing my life in the service of others, I will find my life. I'll find the kind of joy that true missionaries feel, but probably amplified even more! I get to keep my family. =)