Not in Illinois anymore...

Well, as predicted, February was a little crazy. But I made it through! I finished my internship successfully... The last session I had was with an adult going through dialysis who was also a musician in his earlier years. We sang songs from the 70s together, and he harmonized with me wonderfully. In my mind, it was the perfect way to end my time there.

The few days after my internship were fun. I got to go to Nauvoo! And eat deep-dish pizza, and a few other things. And then before I knew it, it was time to fly home.

Moving home has been both happy and sad. Moving home is always a hard thing for me in at least a few ways. I have confidence that things will improve and I will find my way as time goes on.

Life is full of learning to love places and then moving on to new things, wherever God asks. I will trust that my present and future are where God wants me to be, and I'll look toward the future with faith.

Self-Compassion: Week 3 (On Letting Go Of Perfectionism, and Embracing a Bright Future)

Hello all! I'd like to account for my self-compassion this week. =)

I didn't do a perfect job, but I was much more self-compassionate this week. My music therapy supervisor, Soozie, also helped me to be self-compassionate by assigning me to write down what things I did well in the children's group, and then share that list with her the next day. I wrote down the things I did well, trying to think of as many honest things I could, then I put the list aside. The next day I looked at it, and realized that my list described the attributes that I would want in a music therapist if I was hiring one. So that was a pretty happy moment! I think that writing it right after the experience means that I was able to remember all the good things clearly, but being a day separated from it helped me to evaluate it more clearly, and see it for how good it actually was. I could recognize the good, instead of being wrapped up in my thoughts of "How could I have forgotten the colored scarves? And why didn't I put the songs in a better order? And why can't I think fast enough on my feet, about what to do next?" Instead, I could say "I was really engaged with the kids in the group. And I was able to play songs on the violin without any preparation or written music, when the need called for it. And I included every child, even the ones who were quiet, and gave everyone a chance to shine. And I was authentic."

As I was thinking about this guidepost more this week and last, I remembered that the guidepost has a second part. The whole name of the guidepost is "Cultivating Self-Compassion. Letting Go of Perfectionism." Which gave me a little more direction in how I apply this self-compassion thing. I believe that I don't need to be constantly complimenting myself. I think that self-compassion is most important in those perfectionistic moments, those times when we get stuck in a circle in our heads, saying "Why did I make that mistake? Why can't I get this right? I'm not ___ enough! And now people have seen that!" My goal is to get into a habit of self kindness, so that when those perfectionistic moments come, I will be more easily able to say to myself, "Ali, I love you no matter what. You've got this. I know you will figure it out, in time. Breathe. =)"

I would like to share a quote about perfectionism that was very mind-opening for me. I share it on Facebook a few months back, and several others expressed it helped them in the same way. This is from Brene's book, "The Gifts of Imperfection," page 56:

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from taking flight.

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused -- How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused -- What will they think?

I've also heard her say in a video clip that perfectionism is a shield that prevents us from being truly seen.

The thing that started me on my journey to Chicago was actually a dream I had. The message conveyed to me in the dream was "Don't be afraid to truly be yourself. Those who care will accept you for who you are, and there will also be others who will not only accept you, but love you for it. And they will be loving the real you." And then the second message of the dream was "Do your internship in Chicago." I'm seeing that unfold in several possible ways, but I think the main one is that I am learning to love myself for who I am. And as I love myself for who I am, I imagine that all my relationships from here on out have the capacity to be infinitely more wonderful. I know I was supposed to come to Chicago, and I am so grateful for it. As I learn to do hard things and grow, while also loving myself through the uncomfortable growing experiences, I am coming to know myself more deeply, and recognizing a very bright and happy future more deeply than I have before. It will most certainly be hard, but my life is going to be more deeply joyful and exciting than I realized it could be.

Also, I wanted to share my morning reminder that I just posted on my wall (real wall in my room) yesterday.  Maybe you can say it to yourself as well. =)

Self-Compassion - Week 2

I'm here to check in and report about my efforts in self-compassion. I've had some good moments of self-compassion. However, I haven't even thought about it that much, because its just not my habit to be compassionate to myself. I hope to think of some ways to remind myself, or identify some things that may help trigger my memory of my commitment.

In thinking back, I got quite overwhelmed on Wednesday morning. On Wednesday mornings we have the pediatric music group, and that group is quite overwhelming for me. The music has to just keep continuing, in order to hold their attention, and needs to be high-energy most of the time as well. It involves thinking fast on your feet... and that's something that doesn't always come naturally to me. I'm a ponderer. And it's not very easy to ponder fast! Anyway, my stress was so apparent that Soozie put her hand on my shoulder and looked at me, saying "Ali! It's going to be okay!" Moments like that could use more self-compassion. Both groups that day ended up going really well, so my worrying was for nothing anyway. Which is just a good reminder to me for the future. Things go well the majority of the time, as long as I am putting in effort.

There is something I want to add in though. This morning I had a really good prayer experience, where I really was focused on wanting to hear what my Father has to say to me, so I wrote down the words that came to me. And the words that come from Him and through my mind were full of compassion. I want to include in the practice of self-compassion the receiving of compassion from God.

I like my idea of listening to "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" each morning. I didn't do that this week. I was running late many of the mornings this week. I will plan to go to bed earlier this week, so that I don't wake up as grouchy, and I can enjoy the morning and fill it with hope and compassion. I will also take time at lunch and in the evening to write down at least one self-compassionate statement. I will put an alarm in my phone to remind me to do that. My goal is ultimately to be self-compassionate spontaneously and whenever the need arises. But for now, I will start with a scheduled and structured approach, to get it on my mind more. It will become more natural and spontaneous as time goes on. I also plan to take a little more time for listening during my scripture study, instead of just saying a fast prayer and reading.

All in all, I do just want to say that I have had a really good week. I did a lot of things well, and I will continue to learn new things next week, in my internship. I also made some good healthy emotional choices about how to spend my time on Friday, allowing myself to have fun. I made lots of small good emotional choices in how I think about some of my relationships as well. I feel like I'm becoming a happier person as time goes on, and I'm really grateful for that. I'm grateful to be where I am in life, working on making both the world outside me and the world inside me more beautiful.

I think for next week's post, I'd like to explore the second half of this guidepost: "Letting Go Of Perfectionism." Look forward to it. =)

Won't Stay Hidden

One of the problems with being an arts therapy student is that your homework pulls out of you the emotions you're trying to suppress!! Just let me suppress it!

Willing to Try

I just wrote my best song yet. =) Would you like to read the lyrics?


It’s not the critic who counts,
Not the cold and timid souls.
It’s the ones who know defeat
But still press forward to their goals.
The ones who give their all
In a good and noble cause
Are the ones with no regrets,
Even if there’s no applause.

I must be willing to fail
If I ever want to grow.
I must be willing to guess
If I ever want to know.

Peace comes from the inside,
It comes to those who try,
Who are afraid to sing,
But will not let their music stay inside.
So give it a try,
And fail, win, or die,
Just don’t leave the music inside.

I must be willing to fail
If I ever want to grow.
I must be willing to guess
If I ever want to know.

Facing my fears,
Reaching for gold,
And in the process,
I’m healing my soul.
It’s okay to be me,
And believe in my dreams,
And I’ll work until they’re my own.

I must be willing to fail
If I ever want to grow.
I must be willing to guess
If I ever want to know.

So give it a try,
And fail, win, or die,
Just don’t leave the music inside.

Gold

This song is my obsession of the day. You know one thing I really like about it? It's a love song that is not selfish. Instead of "I can't live without you. Please don't leave me," it's "You're awesome!!!!!!" It's a secure, non-selfish, non-desperate love song. I like that. I like that a lot.

Survey (to help me with my songwriting)

I'm doing a survey to help me in my songwriting in the future. It's also for one of my classes. Please help me out by clicking the link and taking the survey! =)

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/PBQX7PK

Music Improvisation

"Music...can at the same time belong to the patient's world and be part of reality perceived by the senses of hearing, seeing, and touching." (Alvin, 1966, p. 138) 

Audible, visual, tangible thoughts. =) I love music.

Just Had An Apostrophe...

I just had an epiphany, while I was praying. Fear is the problem in my life right now. Fear is keeping me from doing what I need to do in Relief Society in order to start seeing miracles. Fear is keeping me from doing what I need to do in music therapy in order to start seeing true therapy, and miracles. And fear is probably keeping me from seeing miracles in my dating life as well.

Well whaddayaknow?

And as I thought about that, I remembered that fear is the opposite of faith. And that perfect love and faith also can not coexist. And since, through faith in Jesus Christ, I can do all things, then I guess it would only follow that with fear in my heart, I can do nothing. And God can do nothing (or little) in my life if my heart is full of fear and not faith.

I need to choose faith. Even if its scary. Because fear is lame. And even if miracles don't come, due to choices of others, I will know that the lack of miracle was not because of me. I will know I gave my heart and my faith, and my best. Either result of my showing faith is better than the results of living in fear.

Music Therapy from Heather's Eyes

I just came across my friend (and practicum partner) Heather's blog about her experiences with music therapy. I realized I haven't shared a whole lot about music therapy on here recently, and wanted to share her blog with you.

http://musicisajourney.blogspot.com/

And I'm in the drum circle videos if you wanna look for me. =)

Welt-ed

We had a party with the boys of the house of the corner. We forged an alliance with them. Basically just played card games and a game involving a wooden spoon and a bucket. That game is where the welts came from, but mostly on Mallory and some of the guys. I got a scratch, but no welt.

That was by far the best part of the day. School is stressing me out physically. It's interesting to observe. Instead of getting emotionally worked up, I just eat. Or if I can't eat, I clench my fist and release it for a while. My muscles get all tight everywhere. It's fascinating. I prefer it, over getting emotional and crying.

I used to distract myself with Facebook when I was starting to get stressed or anxious. But I deleted my Facebook app on my phone, and I'm using an add-on to Chrome that will only let me be on Facebook for twenty minutes a day. So I have to ration my time rather severely. But I feel free! =)

I'm trying to think of coping strategies other than eating. Any ideas? Running is one of my strategies, but I only have time to do that a few times a week. Music doesn't always work as well on me as it used to, because I'm studying it. I can't just listen to music, it'll remind me of school. I analyze every song for its therapeutic properties. Which makes it less therapeutic to me, but more therapeutic for others I'll be able to use it with in the future. Another coping strategy is praying, but I feel like I should also couple that with something else. I feel like God wants me to ask Him for help with it, but then do what I can to take care of it, and He'll magnify my efforts. When I prayed about it I got the feeling He wants me to do both. Another thing I do is look for really awesome art on the internet (like on deviantart.com). And of course, socializing (particularly with men) is a big coping strategy for me. It helps me forget almost all my problems.

Please...let me know if you have ideas, or something that works for you!

Swim

Heard this for the first time in my Music Therapy Methods class. The words come back to me when I'm having a hard time. And the more I listen to it the more I like it. =) It's awesome. And today, it's a good reminder.

You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music that saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive

You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the Earth

The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking the armour, yeah

I swim for brighter days
Despite the absense of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your family, your lovers
Your sisters and brothers and friends

Yeah you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for these lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking the armour, yeah

I swim for brighter days
Despite the absense of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in driftin'
Feel the tide shifting
And wait for the spark

Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think

The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above

Just keep your head above
Swim

Just keep your head above
Swim

Just keep your head above
Swim

Drum Envy

Today I was just the right amount of busy. Well, maybe a little too busy, because there's one assignment I'll have to turn in late. But anyhow, I really liked the pacing of my day. I was busy all day, but not frantically so. I had a lot more purpose. Mostly because there were a lot of things due, and the end is drawing near on the other things that aren't due yet.

Whether it was the purpose I felt, the music I played, the things I got done, the weather outside today (spring!), or an answer to prayer, I don't know, but one way or another, I felt content today. "And that's a big deal for me..." =) I think it was all those things.

Funny part of today: when the opera people got upset with us for playing our big drum too loud. They're just jealous. =)

Peace

Our pyramid group got together and we practiced my pyramid project for MT Ensemble, and it sounded awesome! I'm having them use the tone chimes, and I'm singing my favorite scripture above it. "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you.... Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." I have been clinging to that scripture for dear life. I love it. =)

Boom-whack

I bruised my leg with a boom-whacker. Yep. I'm thinking of buying me some of my own though, because they're fun. =)

I got to help more people with Theory today! Corinne and I helped Nick and Mary Jane after Keyboard Harmony. I told them we should have a study group after class every time, so I can teach them Theory. I hope we do. It gives me a boost of happy feelings when I get to teach people Theory.

I finally exercised again. I haven't done that since before Spring Break. It felt good.

I'm especially in love with music today. By the way, I hope to someday master the oboe, the organ, the cello, the banjo, the boom-whackers, and the djembe. In addition to the piano, guitar, and voice (all of which definitely need more work). The accordian could be fun too... =)

Improvisation

"Music...can at the same time belong to the patient's world and be part of reality perceived by the senses of hearing, seeing, and touching." (Alvin, 1966, p. 138)

Audible, visual, tangible thoughts. =) I love music.

I love the smile on his face as he plays. =) I hope to someday play and improvise with the same freedom, and the same lack of fear. Let my joy show. Allow myself to feel joy. =)

We Will Rock You

In my Methods class, my professor had us change the words to the verses of "We Will Rock You" to words about ourselves. This was the verse I wrote, and sang for the class:

Ali, you're a good girl, nice girl, not expected to be controversial,

But you got a lot to say,

Just trying to find a way

To help everyone see that there's a need for change.

And then the class joined in on the chorus. It was therapeutic. =)

Creating

I've been thinking about Improvisation and Composing. I think the reason they are empowering and feel so good is that we are creating, and creating is a God-like activity. Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said:

"Heavenly Father is able to accomplish these two great goals—the immortality and eternal life of man—because He is a God of creation and compassion. Creating and being compassionate are two objectives that contribute to our Heavenly Father's perfect happiness. Creating and being compassionate are two activities that we as His spirit children can and should emulate. ...

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.

Everyone can create. You don't need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. ...

Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty....

What you create doesn't have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don't let fear of failure discourage you. Don't let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside. 

As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."

I believe what he says. Creating things is one way to become like God, and its a yearning that we all have, but we often grow too self-conscious to satisfy that yearning. Often when we yearn something, there is also the fear in the back of our mind that the thing we yearn will not bring us as much happiness as we hope it will. And then we decide not to seek what we yearn, in order to save ourselves from possibly being disappointed. I never really realized until now that improvising takes faith!

I have a new appreciation for music therapy, because it highlights both of the things President Uchtdorf talked about. Creating and compassion. The very term "music therapy" implies both. I will try to approach my music therapy, humbly, as a sacred, god-like activity, and I will try to approach improvisation and composition with faith.

Gratitude 25 October 2010

I am grateful that it didn't snow until today. I got to enjoy a beautiful two months of late summer/early autumn up here.

I'm grateful I got to help the other Music Therapy students today, singing at the old folk's home. I'm grateful I got to witness them smiling and enjoying themselves. It strengthened my belief that music really does have powers that I can learn to use, to help others.

I'm grateful for beautiful poetry. I'm grateful that some people have such a gift with words, and that they share it with the rest of us.

I'm grateful for Dr. Huff's choice in songs in choir (with the exception of "Sleigh Ride").

I'm grateful for my roommates. =)

I'm grateful I have several coats to choose from. I'm gonna need 'em.

I'm grateful to be dating such an exceptional friend. =)

I'm so grateful God answers prayers!