I know the Savior CAN heal me... but I realized recently that I haven't wanted Him to. Because then who would I be? What would be left of me? What claim would I have to people's kindness? I imagine myself feeling naked and alone.
Which brings me to a realization I just barely had as I was writing this! So, Brene talks about perfectionism being a shield that protects us from being seen. And that's true, I've lived that. But I think I'm also using my pain and challenges in a similar way. I hide behind it. The fact that I would feel naked (vulnerable) without it helped me realize that.
My fear is that no one would pay attention to an emotionally stable me. Because I wouldn't need them. And I would be boring. (I'm not saying I am boring, but that is my extreme fear.) Wow... I currently don't actually believe that anyone would like me for me, and care about me, unless I had some problems for them to "fix" or some need that could pull compassion from them. (Maybe part of this comes from being in a large family where you mostly just get attention when you have a problem. Or from my therapy education background of everyone having big problems.)
The sad thing is, that might mean that's how I see others. I care about those with the biggest problems, because of their problems. Because then I feel needed.
I've got some work to do.
This blog post took an unexpected turn... Anyway, I will still post the quote I intended to from the beginning. It still applies. =) Basically, I've been thinking about this concept a lot, and how healing and sanctification are only the beginning of a beautiful future. I've been so afraid to be healed or give my heart to God, because I see it as the end of something. But, it truly is a beginning.
This quote is from President Osguthorpe's amazing CES Devotional in November, spoken by one of the young adults in a video segment.
"Giving your heart and your will to God … the first thing He does with it is He sanctifies it. It’s not like we’re all just giving our hearts to God and He just puts them in a big vault and says, 'Yes, one more heart for me to enjoy.' He takes it and sanctifies it and proves it and gives it back to us and says, “Now go use this and do great things.” I just never really thought about what happened after you gave it to Him. I thought that was kind of the end, but that’s just the beginning."What things are ahead? What might I have to look forward to after becoming more emotionally whole? Any thoughts or comments, especially from those who have gone through something similar?