Rock-climbing in the Dark

Went rock-climbing tonight with some friends. By the time it was my turn, it was pretty dark. And just like the time the orchestra stand lights lost power during our outdoor performance of Pirates of Penzance, things went better. I climbed faster and more confidently when I had to feel for holds instead of looking for (and thinking about) them. We played more unitedly and musically and precisely when we could barely read our sheet music. There are many things more powerful, useful, and important than sight.

Lonely Yet Triumphant Independence

Good day today! God answered my morning prayer throughout the day. =) I woke up, ran around the block, showered, read scriptures, got on the bus, bought 2 muffins and 2 giant cookies for 50 cents apiece, walked to the temple while talking to God, did Initiatory in the temple despite a long wait, took bus route 5, bought really good socks at Sports Authority and only had to pay a third of the price, walked to the DI and bought two pairs of shorts, a pair of brown pants, a pair of brown shoes, a new shirt, Harry Potter 1 on tape casette, a puzzle, and a bike helmet. Those all came to $28. Then rode the bus home. Met my roommate Rachel. Spent the rest of the evening cleaning the kitchen.

It was a good feeling today, being so independent, and productive. It was lonely, but not unbearably so. And I got to spend a lot of time with God today, and that was very good for my soul. =)

And I found a ride to the 10K in Garland! Definitely an answer to prayer. Mariska is going to run it with me. =D I'm excited about that. Gotta go to bed now though so I can actually run the race tomorrow. It'll be the farthest I've ever run at one time. My goal is to do it in under one hour. Pray for me!

Spiritual & Singing

Went to my last D&C class of the summer, and my first Institute Choir rehearsal. Both were good, but especially choir. I really like the songs we're doing. Bro. Salmund complimented me on singing with my eyes. =) I asked him about Latter-Day Voices auditions and he said he would love to have me audition, and seemed really excited. =) I figure that since I'm looking for spiritual singing men, the Institute Choir and Latter-Day Voices would be good places to run into them. =)

Didn't run tonight because it was too dark after Institute. I plan on trying in the morning before going to the temple. Tomorrow just may be a really good day. =)

I was happy today. I felt like I was closer to the Lord than I have been in a while. I think going to the temple yesterday really helped! So glad it's close by, and open.

S.o.N.E. For July 16

My new experiences for today:
Sleeping in until 10:45! (very uncommon for me)
Studying Addiction Recovery information
A silent get-together with a friend
Seeing the Brigham City temple
Chocolate on my toe

Pregnant? Nope.

So, it used to be that when I would have dreams I was pregnant, and wake up not pregnant, I'd be relieved. Nowadays when I have a dream I'm pregnant, and wake up not pregnant, I'm really sad and lonely, and just feel like I lost something awesome. Sigh. Guess I'm getting older. And even though I'm a little afraid of it, I do really look forward to having a family. I'll do my best to be patient in the meantime.

Moments That Matter Most

This video is still making me cry! I am so overwhelmed by the beauty of human relationships, and by God's immense love for us. He's given us this life, each other, and this beautiful amazing world. Every time I watch this video I cry more. God is love.

"Wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?"

My heart is changing. I am starting to mourn with those that mourn. And it's kind of painful. My heart breaks when I realize the things that people have gone through. All of us have been hurt, deeply, in one way or another. Actually, more than one way - several ways, for each person. I wish I could help everyone, but I know I don't have the strength. In fact, I think I make things worse when I try to help.

But anyhow...I ache. And I get so frustrated with Satan and his influence. I hate to think of the relationships that have been destroyed - children hurt by and hurting their parents, parents hurting each other, loving relationships being destroyed by lust, friendships being lost because of anger. I know people who have become widows in their twenties. I know people who have lost parents. I lost a brother. I know people who don't feel accepted by their parents. I know someone well who dated someone for nine months, almost proposed, and ended up alone unexpectedly. I know someone who lives knowing she has a 50% chance of having a terrible disease that will change her personality and cause her to die young, if she has it. We all live with fear of some sort. We all feel rejected in one way or another I think. I think what makes me saddest right now is that I know at least one person in particular (and probably many more) who has started to lose faith that things can change and become better.

I'm okay with my life right now because I know that things will get better. But how do I share that with someone else? I wish I could just transplant that understanding directly to them.

Even though I felt unaccepted by a certain parent for quite a long time, things have become amazingly better, and I now feel great love for that parent, and loved by that parent.
Even though I felt as though God had abandoned me (with terrible timing to boot) after an unexpected break-up, I came to realize that He hadn't, and He helped me out of the despair I had started to fall into.
Even though I thought I wouldn't recover from the feeling I had been completely betrayed by someone... I have recovered, and feel like my heart has been healed of that wound.

I just wish I could help everyone believe that their wounds will be healed. But I suppose, and it hurts to think it, that everyone will have to experience it for themselves, and it will take time. The first thing I listed took, well, about 24 years, the second took about 15 or 16 months, and the third took about 2.5 years. And I'm sure I'll have more, and who knows how much time they'll take.

Anyway... I just needed to express some feelings. I long for Christ to heal the hearts of all of us. I want these people that I care about to be healed, happy, and whole.

I'm feeling like Enoch tonight:

"And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto Enoch, and told Enoch all the doings of the children of men; wherefore Enoch knew, and looked upon ... their misery, and wept and stretched forth his arms, and his heart swelled wide as eternity; and his bowels yearned; and all eternity shook. ...He wept over his brethren...and cried unto the Lord saying: When shall the day of the Lord come? When shall the blood of the Righteous be shed, that all they that mourn may be sanctified and have eternal life?"

Happy

I just feel like I need to make it known that I have been pretty happy today. Circumstances were medium good, but who needs circumstances anyway? I just felt happy inside. There were some things that contributed though.

The sunrise
Friends at work
A nap
Coworkers singing and/or dancing
Rode on a motorcycle
Bought tons of fresh produce!
Dancing around in the kitchen
Ran a couple miles
Made French toast
Showered
Sunset
Beautiful summer-in-Logan evening!
Awesome music listened to
Felt independent, capable, and free

One of the few things missing was my scripture study. =( Somehow I'm going to get back into the habit. Please pray for me to recognize times and ways for me to study the word of God. I need help with it.