So, it used to be that when I would have dreams I was pregnant, and wake up not pregnant, I'd be relieved. Nowadays when I have a dream I'm pregnant, and wake up not pregnant, I'm really sad and lonely, and just feel like I lost something awesome. Sigh. Guess I'm getting older. And even though I'm a little afraid of it, I do really look forward to having a family. I'll do my best to be patient in the meantime.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Moments That Matter Most
This video is still making me cry! I am so overwhelmed by the beauty of human relationships, and by God's immense love for us. He's given us this life, each other, and this beautiful amazing world. Every time I watch this video I cry more. God is love.
Monday, July 11, 2011
"Wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?"
My heart is changing. I am starting to mourn with those that mourn. And it's kind of painful. My heart breaks when I realize the things that people have gone through. All of us have been hurt, deeply, in one way or another. Actually, more than one way - several ways, for each person. I wish I could help everyone, but I know I don't have the strength. In fact, I think I make things worse when I try to help.
But anyhow...I ache. And I get so frustrated with Satan and his influence. I hate to think of the relationships that have been destroyed - children hurt by and hurting their parents, parents hurting each other, loving relationships being destroyed by lust, friendships being lost because of anger. I know people who have become widows in their twenties. I know people who have lost parents. I lost a brother. I know people who don't feel accepted by their parents. I know someone well who dated someone for nine months, almost proposed, and ended up alone unexpectedly. I know someone who lives knowing she has a 50% chance of having a terrible disease that will change her personality and cause her to die young, if she has it. We all live with fear of some sort. We all feel rejected in one way or another I think. I think what makes me saddest right now is that I know at least one person in particular (and probably many more) who has started to lose faith that things can change and become better.
I'm okay with my life right now because I know that things will get better. But how do I share that with someone else? I wish I could just transplant that understanding directly to them.
Even though I felt unaccepted by a certain parent for quite a long time, things have become amazingly better, and I now feel great love for that parent, and loved by that parent.
Even though I felt as though God had abandoned me (with terrible timing to boot) after an unexpected break-up, I came to realize that He hadn't, and He helped me out of the despair I had started to fall into.
Even though I thought I wouldn't recover from the feeling I had been completely betrayed by someone... I have recovered, and feel like my heart has been healed of that wound.
I just wish I could help everyone believe that their wounds will be healed. But I suppose, and it hurts to think it, that everyone will have to experience it for themselves, and it will take time. The first thing I listed took, well, about 24 years, the second took about 15 or 16 months, and the third took about 2.5 years. And I'm sure I'll have more, and who knows how much time they'll take.
Anyway... I just needed to express some feelings. I long for Christ to heal the hearts of all of us. I want these people that I care about to be healed, happy, and whole.
I'm feeling like Enoch tonight:
"And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto Enoch, and told Enoch all the doings of the children of men; wherefore Enoch knew, and looked upon ... their misery, and wept and stretched forth his arms, and his heart swelled wide as eternity; and his bowels yearned; and all eternity shook. ...He wept over his brethren...and cried unto the Lord saying: When shall the day of the Lord come? When shall the blood of the Righteous be shed, that all they that mourn may be sanctified and have eternal life?"
But anyhow...I ache. And I get so frustrated with Satan and his influence. I hate to think of the relationships that have been destroyed - children hurt by and hurting their parents, parents hurting each other, loving relationships being destroyed by lust, friendships being lost because of anger. I know people who have become widows in their twenties. I know people who have lost parents. I lost a brother. I know people who don't feel accepted by their parents. I know someone well who dated someone for nine months, almost proposed, and ended up alone unexpectedly. I know someone who lives knowing she has a 50% chance of having a terrible disease that will change her personality and cause her to die young, if she has it. We all live with fear of some sort. We all feel rejected in one way or another I think. I think what makes me saddest right now is that I know at least one person in particular (and probably many more) who has started to lose faith that things can change and become better.
I'm okay with my life right now because I know that things will get better. But how do I share that with someone else? I wish I could just transplant that understanding directly to them.
Even though I felt unaccepted by a certain parent for quite a long time, things have become amazingly better, and I now feel great love for that parent, and loved by that parent.
Even though I felt as though God had abandoned me (with terrible timing to boot) after an unexpected break-up, I came to realize that He hadn't, and He helped me out of the despair I had started to fall into.
Even though I thought I wouldn't recover from the feeling I had been completely betrayed by someone... I have recovered, and feel like my heart has been healed of that wound.
I just wish I could help everyone believe that their wounds will be healed. But I suppose, and it hurts to think it, that everyone will have to experience it for themselves, and it will take time. The first thing I listed took, well, about 24 years, the second took about 15 or 16 months, and the third took about 2.5 years. And I'm sure I'll have more, and who knows how much time they'll take.
Anyway... I just needed to express some feelings. I long for Christ to heal the hearts of all of us. I want these people that I care about to be healed, happy, and whole.
I'm feeling like Enoch tonight:
"And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto Enoch, and told Enoch all the doings of the children of men; wherefore Enoch knew, and looked upon ... their misery, and wept and stretched forth his arms, and his heart swelled wide as eternity; and his bowels yearned; and all eternity shook. ...He wept over his brethren...and cried unto the Lord saying: When shall the day of the Lord come? When shall the blood of the Righteous be shed, that all they that mourn may be sanctified and have eternal life?"
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Happy
I just feel like I need to make it known that I have been pretty happy today. Circumstances were medium good, but who needs circumstances anyway? I just felt happy inside. There were some things that contributed though.
The sunrise
Friends at work
A nap
Coworkers singing and/or dancing
Rode on a motorcycle
Bought tons of fresh produce!
Dancing around in the kitchen
Ran a couple miles
Made French toast
Showered
Sunset
Beautiful summer-in-Logan evening!
Awesome music listened to
Felt independent, capable, and free
One of the few things missing was my scripture study. =( Somehow I'm going to get back into the habit. Please pray for me to recognize times and ways for me to study the word of God. I need help with it.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Jeremiah
Jeremiah is basically my new hero. He did whatever the Lord told him to do, even if it put him in danger. He explained to the Lord that there were things he didn't want to do, and that he was discouraged, but he loved the Lord enough to do those things anyway. He didn't let his fears of what others may think of him ever stop him from doing what was right. And I really feel for him, that he went through so much persecution. It's one of those days where I'm realizing that he was an actual, real person, with emotions and thoughts and fears and hopes and personality. Hopefully I'll meet him someday, after the resurrection, and be able to tell him how much I admire him. As for now, I'll try to follow his example.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A portion of my soul
A portion of a poem I wrote today... i.e., a portion of my soul.
...Well, I don't have the swing, and I don't have the fields,
And as far as I know, don't have you.
But I have a porch, I have God, and the world,
And I know that there's plenty to do.
So I'll love, I will give, I'll create, and I'll find
That I will be ready for you.
Give me enough time, but not one second longer --
I'm waiting here for you.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Good Figs
I've been reading in Jeremiah, specifically chapter 24. Jeremiah has a vision of two baskets of figs. One has good figs, and the other has figs so bad they can definitely not be eaten. These are compared to the children of Israel and their bondage in Babylon. Both kinds of figs, or people, are taken. They are both put through the same trial. The wicked are cursed to experience all kinds of pains and afflictions as part of their bondage in Babylon, but this is what the Lord says about the "good figs."
All kinds of people go through trials. Whether I am following the Lord or not, my life is going to be hard. But if I am serving and loving Him, those trials will be for my good. He will keep His eye on me and ensure that the things I'm going through are helping me grow. He'll help me to eventually find success and peace again. Most importantly, through my trials He will give me a new heart, to know Him, and to know that He is the Lord. The more trials I go through, the more I can see Him help me through them, and I come to know that I am His daughter, and He is my God and my Father. And though sometimes I wander, it's easier to come back because I understand His nature that much better than the last time. Through every trial, my testimony of Him becomes more sincere, and I can testify, make choices, and act with even more confidence than before. It's a beautiful thing.
I am so happy to have read this promise, because I really feel like this season in my life is for me to truly come to know God. That has been one of my foremost desires for several months now. It amazes me how God answers prayers. =) I'm so grateful to have found these verses. Now I've just gotta do my part to become/remain a "good fig."
5 Thus saith the Lord, the God of Israel; Like these good figs, so will I acknowledge them that are carried away captive of Judah, whom I have sent out of this place into the land of the Chaldeans for their good.
6 For I will set mine eyes upon them for good, and I will bring them again to this land: and I will build them, and not pull them down; and I will plant them, and not pluck them up.
7 And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart. (Jeremiah 24:5-7)
All kinds of people go through trials. Whether I am following the Lord or not, my life is going to be hard. But if I am serving and loving Him, those trials will be for my good. He will keep His eye on me and ensure that the things I'm going through are helping me grow. He'll help me to eventually find success and peace again. Most importantly, through my trials He will give me a new heart, to know Him, and to know that He is the Lord. The more trials I go through, the more I can see Him help me through them, and I come to know that I am His daughter, and He is my God and my Father. And though sometimes I wander, it's easier to come back because I understand His nature that much better than the last time. Through every trial, my testimony of Him becomes more sincere, and I can testify, make choices, and act with even more confidence than before. It's a beautiful thing.
I am so happy to have read this promise, because I really feel like this season in my life is for me to truly come to know God. That has been one of my foremost desires for several months now. It amazes me how God answers prayers. =) I'm so grateful to have found these verses. Now I've just gotta do my part to become/remain a "good fig."
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