Tuesday, January 31, 2012


My subconscious is a lot smarter than I am, especially in the associative musical aspect.

Things happen (events, thoughts, or feelings). Then a seemingly unrelated song will sneak into my head unannounced and make itself at home before I realize it. And eventually I find out why. Looking back, it always makes sense, and sometimes teaches me something profound.

Today I woke up with "Breakable" by Ingrid Michaelson stuck in my head. I like the song, but had a hard time understanding the flow of ideas in the second verse. Is the car a good thing or a bad thing? Why does she talk about a car anyway? Is this rhetorical, and is it a love song?

I found a meaning for me. I don't claim it's the only one. The car is definitely a metaphor. It's a "two-ton death trap," but you don't normally think about that when you get in. It's normal to get in a car and ride or drive. We probably all personally know people who have died or been seriously injured in a car accident. But we get in anyway, day after day, assuming that it will work out.

It sounds ridiculous, foolish, and dangerous when you think of it that way.

But... what if I never did get in? Would I know my grandparents? Would I be here in school? Would I get to pursue very many of my dreams? Would I have seen the beautiful mountains of Idaho? Would I ever get to reunite with family or friends that are dear to me? Also, two of my most significant spiritual experiences happened in the car, to tell the truth. Basically, it's "taken me to places I'll never forget."

I was in a relationship last year that, although it took me to places I'll never forget, ended in a figurative crash. I walked away alive and with only minor injuries, but I don't know how badly he was injured. Perhaps enough for the figurative ICU. Which makes me somewhat terrified to get back in the car. Was it my fault we crashed? Is he going to be okay? Was there anyway I could've prevented it? Its hard not to look back and cast blame, and dwell on the violence of the crash.

Understandably, I don't really want to drive anywhere yet. And it's going to take something special before I plan on getting into anyone else's car. But I will. When I'm ready and the time is right. And I'm going to love it. And I'll be reminded that not every road trip ends in a crash, and sometimes it's completely worth the risk.

No comments: